Motherhood, the greatest experience, ever, hands down. It has also been the most stressful and the most overwhelming experience. Still, I feel lost. More so confused than lost. I feel I have little time to stop and breathe. Less time to collect thoughts and form them into coherent sentences, both in written form and in thought.
I’m sick, and I can’t think clearly. I need rest. But, I need to write. I just need to spell out a plan. I find, when I am overwhelmed, I’m often too tired to do much, so I leave it for the next day, and then the next. Today, I am sick. I need sleep. But I need to think tonight.
Plan,
Originally I planned to return to school by tomorrow. But, I didn’t work hard enough. Or, maybe I just expected too much. I finished half of the courses I need to return to school. The plan was to complete the two incompletes, but I didn’t get around to actually completing them. I slacked, honestly. But even if I had tried, I don’t think I would have completed both of the incompletes. I get a lot of help with Madeline, but I just feel guilty doing anything that doesn’t involve her. I know I need to get this done and that she’s too young to even notice that I sometimes leave her for a few hours to do school work, but I feel guilty. She’s my responsibility. No one can take care of her like I do, not even her dad. He’s great help too. But she needs me, and I need her. Honestly, I think I meant to do this. I think I really didn’t intend on returning to school in the Winter. It’s too soon for me. I need more time with her. I’m still breastfeeding and I really want to keep at it without disruption. I also don’t want to miss out on anything. On Friday she learned how to clap. I was so excited and happy, it would hurt me so much if I missed the opportunity to see her achieve new milestones. I’ll return officially in the Spring. I can guarantee that. By the time I actually return she will be a month shy from being 1. Right now, and really, forever more, she’s my priority. I want to at least be there for her for the first year before I continue on this academic journey. I am almost done and there is no way I’m going to leave it half way. But I just need time to be a mother. I did this too soon, I know. But I don’t regret it. I feel like there’s a lot of pressure on me, and sometimes it scares me to think that maybe I’m never going to finish. But ultimately I know that I have to and want to. This post is all over the place but for weeks now I’ve been trying to put words on to paper, and in this case, tumblr, and today I finally found the words to explain what I need to say. I need to execute a plan now. I need to see if I can finish these incompletes and second, I need to enroll in at least one more extension course. I need to talk to a counselor and financial aid. That’s pretty much all I have for now. One step at a time. For now, I’m going to bed, I need sleep, body aches, and I can’t stand this cold.
(via oxblood)
